Out of Sight, Out of My Mind

Hey…I know I haven’t posted in FOREVER!

I don’t think I’ve ever worked this much for a thankless job before in my life. And when I say thankless, I’m referring to the pay. THAT’S IT!

So that’s why I haven’t been on here as much as I’d like to be. I’ve been reading posts via emails, but not “liking” them, just binge reading them whenever I can.

As for me…I absolutely love my students. They are really some amazing little people. In all of my 16 years, they are THE MOST well-behaved students I’ve ever had…EVER! I have students from El Salvador, Dominican Republic, Nepal, Burma, Mexico, and of course this country as well. I’ve been trying to improve my Spanish and learn some sayings in the languages of my Burmese students as well.

Aside from that, I still find myself struggling with my emotions and “happiness.” My mother’s health is up and down. I feel the NEED to be in NJ with her so NC really isn’t doing it for me right now. And I still do not have not one friend here.

He and I are still an item. But I continue to be conflicted about my feelings for him. He’s been 100% consistent, so of course I continue to feel guilty about my lack of consistency. Some days I wish he’d just tell me “Bye, Felicia.” While others I appreciate his presence. Some days I think that I don’t HAVE to be in a relationship, I was much happier alone, when I could do what I wanted when I wanted. But then he comes to the rescue or does something really thoughtful and I remember how no one else has EVER been this consistent or thoughtful. So yeah…I feel like an ASS.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Hello…is it me you’re looking for?

I miss you guys so much!

Since going back to work and moving to a new city, so much has happened…

• The new job is kicking my butt! Not only are they NOT paying me for my level of education, but they act as if I should work from home…NOT! We aren’t even going to start that so I clearly set the expectation that I HAVE A LIFE! So working from home isn’t an option.
• I finally submitted my paper to the IRB for review. I’m so excited! My chair tells me, now you can re-write chapters 1 & 2 in past tense. WTH?!?! Yep, gotta do what I gotta do.
• My Mother’s situation has been all over the map. She had outpatient surgery to remove a synovial cyst from her spine September 8, by September 10, she was back in the hospital with an infection. Because of her cancer, her immune system is compromised so the infection developed quickly. She was in the hospital for almost a week before she was moved to one of the best rehab facilities in NJ. She’s been there for almost two weeks now. My son and I went up two weekends ago to check on her. While there she was doing well but then developed a fever and much of her progress as far as movement of her right leg had left her. As of today, she’s doing much better and is slated to be released Oct. 5. A physical and occupational therapist will come to her home to continue working with her.
• And…the guy and I are getting stronger daily. It’s crazy how we are back where we began and even better. I’ve never had anyone love me through anything like this before. That depression turned me into someone I didn’t even like, so for him to be there, says so much and has taught me so much about loving unconditionally…not just him, but anyone who needs it in spite of their situation.

So that’s everything. I’m still trying to unload boxes and decorate. I don’t know why, considering I’ve decided I’ll probably move after my lease is up…I don’t think this place is a great fit for me.

I have been attempting to keep up with reading everyone’s posts because I miss you guys so much and am always interested in what’s happening on your end. And know that WHATEVER you’re going through, I am keeping you in my thoughts, and I celebrate your milestones and accomplishments as well.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

The Ultimate Flim Flam

Today was orientation for the new job. I didn’t sleep well last night…I think I was a bit anxious and afraid of oversleeping.

I set the alarm for 4:30 just in case I found the energy to actually go to the gym before…I didn’t.

It was a long day of telling us things they could’ve put in a bulleted memo, peeing in a cup in such tight quarters that I’m glad I wore a dress because I probably would’ve come out of there with urine on my clothes, and getting fingerprinted in a place that was way too hot!

Yep! That was my day.

I’m here now. Sitting on the edge of the bed as he makes some dinner.

I’m tired, but not.

I had typed the previous post yesterday and never posted it. So I read through it again before posting it today.

As I read that last part, I started to wonder if life plays games with us. We hope for the best, and sometimes, we actually get it. Most of the time we don’t. But “the word” and the Universe asks us to be patient. To remain positive “in spite of” because our blessings are a’comin!

Then I read my Jesus Calling for today because I forgot to read it this morning…”When things go “wrong,” you tend to react as if you’re being punished. Instead of this negative response, try to view difficulties as blessings in disguise.”

I found this interesting considering what I had written in the last post. And, I have to be honest…I believe this to be true. Just like the saying…”Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.”

But still…there’s something about all of it that makes me feel as if someone’s trying to sell me some magic beans.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

C’est la vie

Today has been interesting.

I woke up, and laid in bed for almost two hours before getting ready for the gym. So many thoughts went through my mind. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other. In the end, I vowed to not worry. I’ve always been ok, and I’ll be ok.

Before I left for the gym, not only did I say “bye” but I gave him a kiss. That hasn’t happened in months!

Walking into class today felt crazy because it’s the last time I’ll be in that class with my gym friends. The thought of not being able to see them daily makes me sad and my eyes sweat. When class was over…I left without a word.

We went to get crepes today. I would swear I got pregnant by some random French man if I didn’t know better.

My son absolutely loves crepes. He and I sat on the same side of the booth. I think that’s the first time that’s happened in a while.

When we came back to the house I thanked him for brunch, and planted another one on him. He said that he was happy to see me smiling after yesterday. I actually sat down next to him and watched some of the Olympics for a while.

In other news…my mother has a synovial cyst on her lower spine and it’s causing excruciating pain in her buttocks, leg and now her foot. The neurosurgeon wants to perform surgery. It will likely take place the first or second week of September. My mother is tired and I’m sure a little scared.

I’ll keep praying.

Anyway…I begin work next Monday. So these posts will likely take a different turn from here. Tomorrow I plan to awake early to go find an apartment. I’ll have to trust that everything will work out.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Last Night

I was trying to come up with a more interesting title but this is all I’ve got tonight.

Last night was interesting.

I had been holding on to something since my petty Saturday behavior.

We’ve had a joint cell phone bill since November. It was when I went to DC that he decided to check the records, look up the numbers I had called, and realized I had called my friend of 27 years. (He’s an attorney so his information is kinda out there for the world to see…unfortunately.)

When he initially told me that he tracked my phone calls, I was annoyed but didn’t care. However, since then I’ve decided to monitor his calls too. This sickens me because that’s not who I am. I never once thought to look at the phone records. Honestly, the only reason why I even cared to look at them was to have ammunition for when we had another argument and I could throw it in his face. So when I was being Petty Betty on Saturday, I mentioned it and he says that once he found out that I was in touch and going out with male friends, he had stopped communicating with his female friends (which he hadn’t, at least not with all), and decided to start calling and texting them again.

With my regret of even acting as if I cared, I held on to that until last night. He came in the room and said goodnight, and I said, “You don’t trust me.”

That lead to this very long, but very productive conversation about trust. And how I now do not trust him. And how I NEVER told him to not communicate with his female friends so that was HIS choice. I made sure to mention that I could NEVER be threatened by any of the women he communicates with because I know who I am. I don’t need to compete with anyone. Besides, they can’t touch me…seriously.

In the end, it wasn’t an argument. It was a discussion. And we went all the way down the street and around the corner, figuratively speaking of course, and came out laughing and watching tv together. It was familiar. But I still do not know if this can be saved. We agreed that although we have many of the same life goals, the roads we chose to get there are very different.

He’s loud! That annoys me. Everything he does is loud!

He was working on his truck today and his nails are still disgusting. It grosses me all the way out! He laughs and says he tried to get them clean, I say he didn’t try hard enough. So I went on Amazon and ordered him something mechanics use along with a nail brush. I’d say that’s progress. Before I’d just think, ‘Humph, he better figure out how to get those nails clean or don’t touch me!’ I’m certain he will appreciate the effort.

Yep. That happened.

Riddle Me This…

I’m here! I made it through yesterday. I had to keep looking to the Jesus Calling passage to keep me focused. It’s in the bed with me.

I keep asking myself why I continue to put it down. It seems whenever I put it down, not too long after, things start going crazy in my life. I feel lost. This time, I want to make the excuse that regardless, what I experienced with moving and feeling depressed, would’ve happened whether I was still reading it or not.

Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows at this point.

I was brought up going to church every Sunday. Bible school on Saturday. Learning all of the IMPORTANT verses.

I haven’t been to church in years. I mean a really, really, really long time. Since early 2000’s.

I have found that I take issue with organized religion. I take issue with the reason why I, my mother, my grandparents, my great grandparents, etc. believe what they do. I take issue with religious people who judge others. I take issue with ministers with their “Holier than Thou” attitudes and turn around and get busted for child porn, or molestation, or living a lifestyle most of their “sheep” aren’t financially able to, yet throw their cars, clothes and houses in their faces, and then ask for mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in a higher power. I believe that this planet and the others are here for a reason. They didn’t just happen by accident. When I think about life, and how a life is born and how organs and cells and everything all serve a purpose and all work together and without the proper function of one, the others tend to fail, I know that’s not just some freak accident.

I don’t struggle with my faith, or my purpose, or the fact that what I put out into the Universe, will surely come back to me. So when I read “the word” I understand it for the intended lesson. But I don’t take each and every word at face value. People have used that same “word” to justify some of the world’s greatest injustices.

I take the good within and between those words. I take whatever creates a person in me who is empathetic to others and treats others with respect and dignity. I take whatever helps me sleep peacefully at night and allows me to awake with the expectation of only great things on the horizon.

So why do I ever put it down? It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries…along with why I can’t seem to be in a functioning relationship with anyone.

And that’s all I wish to say about that.

Peace, Be Still

He’s been gone for three weeks.

He’ll be back tomorrow. {Insert long, deep sigh here!}

He’s left me alone since our last talk about leaving me alone. He’s been nice and sounds excited about me finding a place. But he still refers to me as ‘babe’, ‘baby’ etc.

I’m feeling some anxiety about actually having to share breathing space with him for the next week.

My son and I plan on spending Saturday apartment hunting. I’m praying he doesn’t ask to go. I will have to tell him no. I will not have him in my space like that.

I’ve packed everything but my clothes and shoes. I could literally move out by the middle of next week as long as I can secure a mover.

We shall see what life will be like come tomorrow. But I’ll enjoy the breeze, chirps, dragonflies, and sounds of weights crashing to the floor no matter.

Ha! I just peeked at tomorrow’s message and it is so timely…”sit quietly,” “make your mind still,” “do not wear yourself out by worrying about the pressures…”

Tomorrow is going to be a great day!

Stamp of Approval

I came in from the gym to a phone call from my chair.

He said that my committee member approved my paper!

Now it has to go to the IRB (Institutional Review Board) for approval and then I need to find a school district that will allow me to be all up in their business!

I also need to contact an editor to go over my paper for grammar, APA style, and such.

So excited! I’m looking for something yummy to eat to celebrate.

See, that’s why I’m always at the gym.

Yucky

I may not always be nice, but I am always real.

About to leave for the gym. I have been in my feelings about my BFF/Mentor because I sent her a link to provide a reference for me a couple of months ago and she still hasn’t responded to it. When it initially came over, she said something was wrong with the link…

However, another former supervisor of mine completed the reference and sent it back immediately. So I had the link sent to her again the week before last. She told me that she received it and that she was going to complete it.

She hasn’t.

My former principal from NJ who probably hates me (for personal reasons, not professional) finally completed it and sent it back.

So yeah. I’m feeling something about it.

Today’s word boys & girls:

Yucky!

Yes. I feel yucky about it.

And that’s all I have to say about that. BEAST MODE!

1+1=1

Today’s word boys & girls:

Codependency

He told me today about how his mother calls him every morning with some story about his sister. She’s typically done something that’s selfish, self-centered, blames his mother for things that go wrong, and expects his mother to always, always, always be there to pick up the kids, take the kids, parent the kids, etc.

He laughs.

I shake my head. My response, “I guess that’s something I’ll never understand.”

He says, ‘What’s funny is one wouldn’t be able to function without the other. My sister (she’s in her mid 30s) needs my mother to do everything for her. And my mother needs someone around to do things for.

Let’s allow this to marinate for a moment.

I knew there MUST be a name for this type of relationship. And I KNOW the way they function MUST have an impact on him and how he interacts with me, his daughters, his ex, etc.

Codependency

Here’s the thing…my family and I are so on the total opposite side of the spectrum. We are dysfunctional in our own right. We are so not dependent on each other that it can sometimes be to our own detriment.

Point is…I keep wanting to find a way to resume this relationship once I’ve moved. I don’t want to just give up, knowing that there are married people who have weathered worst storms. But the more I look into the very things that make us tick, I’m analog and he’s digital.

I’ll be transparent for a moment as well…I’ve been thinking about being single, living with just my son in a new city. There’s a part of it that excites the hell out of me, but then it scares me as well. I don’t like starting over getting to know someone new. Yes, when things click it can be exciting and fun. But when date after date is someone who makes you wish you were home under the covers watching reruns of just about anything, then it’s not so fun. The latter is what my life had been like for almost 13 years before meeting him. But I’m also not someone to be in something, anything, just for the sake of being there. Sometimes I have to get uncomfortable to see just what I’m made of. And after this, I don’t need to think about being in anything with anyone, just work and finish this paper.

So yeah…those are today’s thoughts and that’s all I have to say about them.