Hello…is it me you’re looking for?

I miss you guys so much!

Since going back to work and moving to a new city, so much has happened…

• The new job is kicking my butt! Not only are they NOT paying me for my level of education, but they act as if I should work from home…NOT! We aren’t even going to start that so I clearly set the expectation that I HAVE A LIFE! So working from home isn’t an option.
• I finally submitted my paper to the IRB for review. I’m so excited! My chair tells me, now you can re-write chapters 1 & 2 in past tense. WTH?!?! Yep, gotta do what I gotta do.
• My Mother’s situation has been all over the map. She had outpatient surgery to remove a synovial cyst from her spine September 8, by September 10, she was back in the hospital with an infection. Because of her cancer, her immune system is compromised so the infection developed quickly. She was in the hospital for almost a week before she was moved to one of the best rehab facilities in NJ. She’s been there for almost two weeks now. My son and I went up two weekends ago to check on her. While there she was doing well but then developed a fever and much of her progress as far as movement of her right leg had left her. As of today, she’s doing much better and is slated to be released Oct. 5. A physical and occupational therapist will come to her home to continue working with her.
• And…the guy and I are getting stronger daily. It’s crazy how we are back where we began and even better. I’ve never had anyone love me through anything like this before. That depression turned me into someone I didn’t even like, so for him to be there, says so much and has taught me so much about loving unconditionally…not just him, but anyone who needs it in spite of their situation.

So that’s everything. I’m still trying to unload boxes and decorate. I don’t know why, considering I’ve decided I’ll probably move after my lease is up…I don’t think this place is a great fit for me.

I have been attempting to keep up with reading everyone’s posts because I miss you guys so much and am always interested in what’s happening on your end. And know that WHATEVER you’re going through, I am keeping you in my thoughts, and I celebrate your milestones and accomplishments as well.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Baby, I’m Back!

I have been so busy lately that I haven’t been able to post.

I have been reading ALL of your posts. I may not be able to “like” them in the moment, but as soon as I’m on, I go through and like, like, like…so don’t think I’m a speed reader, or just “liking” for the sake of “liking.” I’ve honestly read your words. Ok…maybe not the lengthy posts…

Anyway…so much has changed seemingly overnight.

I have officially begun my new job. Unfortunately I haven’t been to the gym or worked on my paper…so not having a job was actually kinda nice.

I have officially moved into my new apartment! This happened just this past Saturday. By the time I cleaned my “Mobile Cottage” (that’s just a fancy word for cockroach infested mobile trailer situated in a swamp-like area, which is actually my classroom), and moved, my back was pulsating. I am still living among taped boxes and stuff that hasn’t been given a designated location. I had to actually work on SUNDAY! What teacher has to do THAT?!?!

Anyway…I’m excited to get to see my students Monday. I’ve already met 10 of them at Open House and they seem really nice. Most of their families come from El Salvador and do not speak English…so here’s where the 2 years of junior high, 2 years of high school, and a minor in Spanish will all kick in. HA! I’m a 2nd grader at best when it comes to speaking Spanish. But hopefully some of my students will take pity on me and give me some free lessons.

Here’s what you’ve been waiting for…it was all a dream! A 7-month nightmare from which I have finally awaken. He and I are back to where we were. TRUST ME PEOPLE, I was so serious each and every time I typed that I was done. That I probably could NEVER be in a relationship with him again. That I had checked out. I’m here as a witness that depression and being, physically and emotionally, in a place that strips you of everything you are for yourself and others is very real. And if you can find the light at the end of the tunnel, and just keep moving toward it, you can find yourself again. YOU CAN BE THAT PERSON AGAIN! I never thought I could tell him that I love or miss him. I never thought I’d ever refer to him as “My Love” ever again. But I’ve done all of those things and they simply fall out of my face so effortlessly. Just as they once had.

I’m not sure what made the difference for me. I know some people struggle with depression for years. They take drugs just to cope. I am so thankful that I didn’t get to that point. Allow me to self-assess for a moment…I have always been very self-aware. When I’m feeling “off”, I question why. I’m usually able to attribute it to something. Either my monthly is coming, or I’m overwhelmed with work. Whatever the root cause, I’m usually able to figure it out. I also don’t make excuses for it. I don’t say, “Well, it’s just how I am.” Because I know THAT’S NOT ME, THAT’S SOME PSYCHO BITCH WHO HAS COMPLETELY LOST HER DAMN MIND!

In saying that…I’m not sure if that’s the reason I was able to come out on the other side of it. I’m just glad and grateful that I have. And I pray it doesn’t happen again. However, if it does, then I hope I am just as aware, and possibly more so.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

The Ultimate Flim Flam

Today was orientation for the new job. I didn’t sleep well last night…I think I was a bit anxious and afraid of oversleeping.

I set the alarm for 4:30 just in case I found the energy to actually go to the gym before…I didn’t.

It was a long day of telling us things they could’ve put in a bulleted memo, peeing in a cup in such tight quarters that I’m glad I wore a dress because I probably would’ve come out of there with urine on my clothes, and getting fingerprinted in a place that was way too hot!

Yep! That was my day.

I’m here now. Sitting on the edge of the bed as he makes some dinner.

I’m tired, but not.

I had typed the previous post yesterday and never posted it. So I read through it again before posting it today.

As I read that last part, I started to wonder if life plays games with us. We hope for the best, and sometimes, we actually get it. Most of the time we don’t. But “the word” and the Universe asks us to be patient. To remain positive “in spite of” because our blessings are a’comin!

Then I read my Jesus Calling for today because I forgot to read it this morning…”When things go “wrong,” you tend to react as if you’re being punished. Instead of this negative response, try to view difficulties as blessings in disguise.”

I found this interesting considering what I had written in the last post. And, I have to be honest…I believe this to be true. Just like the saying…”Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.”

But still…there’s something about all of it that makes me feel as if someone’s trying to sell me some magic beans.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Just Desserts

Saturday was interesting.

It began from the night before because the entire neighborhood blacked out. We sat in the dark for at least an hour with our phones providing the only light. But the three of us sat around joking about whatever, so it wasn’t bad at all.

I had made up in my mind that I would skip the gym and go find an apartment. Even if I had to get a one bedroom for a while, until they adjusted my pay and then move to a two bedroom…I would just have to deal. Whatever happened, happened. I wouldn’t be upset or negative about it. I would just be grateful that I had a job.

Friday night I asked him what he was doing Saturday because I was hoping he’d say that he had plans with his daughter(s). He didn’t. So he asked if I was asking because I wanted him to come apartment hunting with us. It’s crazy how much life changes in a matter of days. If you recall, just last weekend I didn’t want him to have a pinky in my move or finding an apartment. But I had softened over the week. We’ve been getting along ALMOST the way we used to before my depression kicked in.

HE CLEANED HIS HAIR OFF OF THE BATHROOM COUNTER!

Anyway…I asked him to come. I also asked, ‘What’s the proper response if someone asks who you are? Cuz if you start buggin’, I’ll leave your ass right there.’ Yes, it was a joke and we laughed. He said that he’d keep his distance and allow me to handle my business. And he did.

The first place we went to was “the place.” I had decided before arriving that THIS would be where we’d live. We waited almost 25 minutes to speak with someone only to find out that the apartment that I wanted was rented the day before and the next apartment wouldn’t be available for another month! I didn’t get upset, I just accepted the circumstances.

We went not even a block away to the next place. Before leaving, I had signed papers and left a deposit. There’s a Harris Teeter, Fresh Market, and Trader Joe’s all in walking distance! I had hit the jackpot. (Let’s all pray I don’t eat these words later.) And it’s only 1.5 miles from my son’s high school, and about a 20 drive from my school. It’s about 2 miles from the closest YMCA. I’m happy.

Whenever I think about what happened with the job and salary, I think about how unfair it is. I think about how you can take two steps forward, but life will knock you 20 steps back. And you start wondering if it’s all worth it. Is it worth the hard work one puts in only to find yourself not reaping the benefits. But who’s to say I’m not reaping the benefits. Maybe these are the life lessons that, although they feel unfair and horrible right now, are preparing me for what’s to come. It’s just not wrapped in a box with a pretty bow on top, which is how I’d rather receive it. But maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t have the same impact if it felt nice, and sweet, with a salted caramel drizzle and whipped cream on top.

Gosh, I love salted caramel!

C’est la vie

Today has been interesting.

I woke up, and laid in bed for almost two hours before getting ready for the gym. So many thoughts went through my mind. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other. In the end, I vowed to not worry. I’ve always been ok, and I’ll be ok.

Before I left for the gym, not only did I say “bye” but I gave him a kiss. That hasn’t happened in months!

Walking into class today felt crazy because it’s the last time I’ll be in that class with my gym friends. The thought of not being able to see them daily makes me sad and my eyes sweat. When class was over…I left without a word.

We went to get crepes today. I would swear I got pregnant by some random French man if I didn’t know better.

My son absolutely loves crepes. He and I sat on the same side of the booth. I think that’s the first time that’s happened in a while.

When we came back to the house I thanked him for brunch, and planted another one on him. He said that he was happy to see me smiling after yesterday. I actually sat down next to him and watched some of the Olympics for a while.

In other news…my mother has a synovial cyst on her lower spine and it’s causing excruciating pain in her buttocks, leg and now her foot. The neurosurgeon wants to perform surgery. It will likely take place the first or second week of September. My mother is tired and I’m sure a little scared.

I’ll keep praying.

Anyway…I begin work next Monday. So these posts will likely take a different turn from here. Tomorrow I plan to awake early to go find an apartment. I’ll have to trust that everything will work out.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Poker Face

I cannot fake emotions.

I feel what I feel, without apology.

Today, they finally received all of my paperwork from NJ. So imagine how excited I was when I received the phone call with an official offer of a job.

In the middle of the conversation she tells me how I have to start at “the bottom” and once I have an official license from the state, then they will adjust my pay.

Insert Poker Face Here!

So I quickly asked what the salary will be.

Insert Gut Punch Here!

So yeah. I almost found myself asking where they expect me to live, in a box on the corner?

When I hung up, I felt so defeated. Bad enough from DC to here, I was anticipating a $30k pay cut, but an additional $15k?!?!

Yes. I cried and I cursed and I began plotting how I could make it until my pay was what I initially expected. I’m still not sure. I still don’t really know what I’m going to do. I want out of this house. NOW! I picked up my Jesus Calling book…that made me cry harder.

The people from the school who want me called all excited. I couldn’t get there. I just answered the questions, but I wasn’t over-the-top like I was. I think they could sense it through the phone.

Could I drive back and forth an hour daily? Yes, for a little while…A WEEK!

I need to get my son enrolled in school. We need a place to live. If only I knew how long it would take for me to gain licensure here, I could just pay the rent and other bills, but not for long. I don’t want to ass myself out.

He has asked if there’s anything he can do. I appreciate it. And he came back into the room with a venti Sangria Berry Tea from Starbucks. It made me smile.

It’s not that I don’t have resources…I just want something to go smoothly.

Just fall in my lap.

Pour down on me like rain.

With no effort from me.

Just once.

I want that.

And that’s all I care to say about that.

 

Last Night

I was trying to come up with a more interesting title but this is all I’ve got tonight.

Last night was interesting.

I had been holding on to something since my petty Saturday behavior.

We’ve had a joint cell phone bill since November. It was when I went to DC that he decided to check the records, look up the numbers I had called, and realized I had called my friend of 27 years. (He’s an attorney so his information is kinda out there for the world to see…unfortunately.)

When he initially told me that he tracked my phone calls, I was annoyed but didn’t care. However, since then I’ve decided to monitor his calls too. This sickens me because that’s not who I am. I never once thought to look at the phone records. Honestly, the only reason why I even cared to look at them was to have ammunition for when we had another argument and I could throw it in his face. So when I was being Petty Betty on Saturday, I mentioned it and he says that once he found out that I was in touch and going out with male friends, he had stopped communicating with his female friends (which he hadn’t, at least not with all), and decided to start calling and texting them again.

With my regret of even acting as if I cared, I held on to that until last night. He came in the room and said goodnight, and I said, “You don’t trust me.”

That lead to this very long, but very productive conversation about trust. And how I now do not trust him. And how I NEVER told him to not communicate with his female friends so that was HIS choice. I made sure to mention that I could NEVER be threatened by any of the women he communicates with because I know who I am. I don’t need to compete with anyone. Besides, they can’t touch me…seriously.

In the end, it wasn’t an argument. It was a discussion. And we went all the way down the street and around the corner, figuratively speaking of course, and came out laughing and watching tv together. It was familiar. But I still do not know if this can be saved. We agreed that although we have many of the same life goals, the roads we chose to get there are very different.

He’s loud! That annoys me. Everything he does is loud!

He was working on his truck today and his nails are still disgusting. It grosses me all the way out! He laughs and says he tried to get them clean, I say he didn’t try hard enough. So I went on Amazon and ordered him something mechanics use along with a nail brush. I’d say that’s progress. Before I’d just think, ‘Humph, he better figure out how to get those nails clean or don’t touch me!’ I’m certain he will appreciate the effort.

Yep. That happened.

Petty Wap…Lol

Beast Mode.

Swimming Lessons.

Apartment hunting.

We saw a few apartments that we love. My son then tells me that he thought we’d live in the city. Like downtown where everything is happening. I told him they will likely not pay me enough money for that, especially since NC is in the bottom three states for teacher salary. Yes, the cost of living is less, but DAMN! They are literally slapping teachers in the face with what they pay them here. They have such a deficit of teachers, especially ones to teach in high-poverty areas. No one wants to be a teacher anymore. And if they still do, they move out of state.

Anyway…it was a fun day with him.

Then I decided to start some trouble. I don’t know why. Boredom? Who knows.

Today’s word boys & girls:

P E to the T T Y

Lol. Seriously…I was petty twice! Not sure what it’s about though. Then I instantly regretted it.

Well, I’m drinking wine now. For some reason, I’m thinking that will just allow me to relax and take my petty ass to sleep because I’m out of control. Lol

Seriously, each time I think about it, I laugh hysterically…like a mad woman. I pray that tomorrow will bring a new me. Zero petty, and 100% not giving one

Lol, I’ve used this pic before.

Anyway, I’m rambling probably because I’m bored out of my mind. OMG, I just remembered that I took an extra strength Tylenol a couple of hours ago. Drinking wine probably isn’t smart. DAMMIT! There goes my night. I wish I was overly tired so I could just pass out, but I am so awake and full of P E to the T T Y!

And on that note. Good night boys & girls.

 

Riddle Me This…

I’m here! I made it through yesterday. I had to keep looking to the Jesus Calling passage to keep me focused. It’s in the bed with me.

I keep asking myself why I continue to put it down. It seems whenever I put it down, not too long after, things start going crazy in my life. I feel lost. This time, I want to make the excuse that regardless, what I experienced with moving and feeling depressed, would’ve happened whether I was still reading it or not.

Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows at this point.

I was brought up going to church every Sunday. Bible school on Saturday. Learning all of the IMPORTANT verses.

I haven’t been to church in years. I mean a really, really, really long time. Since early 2000’s.

I have found that I take issue with organized religion. I take issue with the reason why I, my mother, my grandparents, my great grandparents, etc. believe what they do. I take issue with religious people who judge others. I take issue with ministers with their “Holier than Thou” attitudes and turn around and get busted for child porn, or molestation, or living a lifestyle most of their “sheep” aren’t financially able to, yet throw their cars, clothes and houses in their faces, and then ask for mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in a higher power. I believe that this planet and the others are here for a reason. They didn’t just happen by accident. When I think about life, and how a life is born and how organs and cells and everything all serve a purpose and all work together and without the proper function of one, the others tend to fail, I know that’s not just some freak accident.

I don’t struggle with my faith, or my purpose, or the fact that what I put out into the Universe, will surely come back to me. So when I read “the word” I understand it for the intended lesson. But I don’t take each and every word at face value. People have used that same “word” to justify some of the world’s greatest injustices.

I take the good within and between those words. I take whatever creates a person in me who is empathetic to others and treats others with respect and dignity. I take whatever helps me sleep peacefully at night and allows me to awake with the expectation of only great things on the horizon.

So why do I ever put it down? It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries…along with why I can’t seem to be in a functioning relationship with anyone.

And that’s all I wish to say about that.

Peace, Be Still

He’s been gone for three weeks.

He’ll be back tomorrow. {Insert long, deep sigh here!}

He’s left me alone since our last talk about leaving me alone. He’s been nice and sounds excited about me finding a place. But he still refers to me as ‘babe’, ‘baby’ etc.

I’m feeling some anxiety about actually having to share breathing space with him for the next week.

My son and I plan on spending Saturday apartment hunting. I’m praying he doesn’t ask to go. I will have to tell him no. I will not have him in my space like that.

I’ve packed everything but my clothes and shoes. I could literally move out by the middle of next week as long as I can secure a mover.

We shall see what life will be like come tomorrow. But I’ll enjoy the breeze, chirps, dragonflies, and sounds of weights crashing to the floor no matter.

Ha! I just peeked at tomorrow’s message and it is so timely…”sit quietly,” “make your mind still,” “do not wear yourself out by worrying about the pressures…”

Tomorrow is going to be a great day!