Baby, I’m Back!

I have been so busy lately that I haven’t been able to post.

I have been reading ALL of your posts. I may not be able to “like” them in the moment, but as soon as I’m on, I go through and like, like, like…so don’t think I’m a speed reader, or just “liking” for the sake of “liking.” I’ve honestly read your words. Ok…maybe not the lengthy posts…

Anyway…so much has changed seemingly overnight.

I have officially begun my new job. Unfortunately I haven’t been to the gym or worked on my paper…so not having a job was actually kinda nice.

I have officially moved into my new apartment! This happened just this past Saturday. By the time I cleaned my “Mobile Cottage” (that’s just a fancy word for cockroach infested mobile trailer situated in a swamp-like area, which is actually my classroom), and moved, my back was pulsating. I am still living among taped boxes and stuff that hasn’t been given a designated location. I had to actually work on SUNDAY! What teacher has to do THAT?!?!

Anyway…I’m excited to get to see my students Monday. I’ve already met 10 of them at Open House and they seem really nice. Most of their families come from El Salvador and do not speak English…so here’s where the 2 years of junior high, 2 years of high school, and a minor in Spanish will all kick in. HA! I’m a 2nd grader at best when it comes to speaking Spanish. But hopefully some of my students will take pity on me and give me some free lessons.

Here’s what you’ve been waiting for…it was all a dream! A 7-month nightmare from which I have finally awaken. He and I are back to where we were. TRUST ME PEOPLE, I was so serious each and every time I typed that I was done. That I probably could NEVER be in a relationship with him again. That I had checked out. I’m here as a witness that depression and being, physically and emotionally, in a place that strips you of everything you are for yourself and others is very real. And if you can find the light at the end of the tunnel, and just keep moving toward it, you can find yourself again. YOU CAN BE THAT PERSON AGAIN! I never thought I could tell him that I love or miss him. I never thought I’d ever refer to him as “My Love” ever again. But I’ve done all of those things and they simply fall out of my face so effortlessly. Just as they once had.

I’m not sure what made the difference for me. I know some people struggle with depression for years. They take drugs just to cope. I am so thankful that I didn’t get to that point. Allow me to self-assess for a moment…I have always been very self-aware. When I’m feeling “off”, I question why. I’m usually able to attribute it to something. Either my monthly is coming, or I’m overwhelmed with work. Whatever the root cause, I’m usually able to figure it out. I also don’t make excuses for it. I don’t say, “Well, it’s just how I am.” Because I know THAT’S NOT ME, THAT’S SOME PSYCHO BITCH WHO HAS COMPLETELY LOST HER DAMN MIND!

In saying that…I’m not sure if that’s the reason I was able to come out on the other side of it. I’m just glad and grateful that I have. And I pray it doesn’t happen again. However, if it does, then I hope I am just as aware, and possibly more so.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

The Ultimate Flim Flam

Today was orientation for the new job. I didn’t sleep well last night…I think I was a bit anxious and afraid of oversleeping.

I set the alarm for 4:30 just in case I found the energy to actually go to the gym before…I didn’t.

It was a long day of telling us things they could’ve put in a bulleted memo, peeing in a cup in such tight quarters that I’m glad I wore a dress because I probably would’ve come out of there with urine on my clothes, and getting fingerprinted in a place that was way too hot!

Yep! That was my day.

I’m here now. Sitting on the edge of the bed as he makes some dinner.

I’m tired, but not.

I had typed the previous post yesterday and never posted it. So I read through it again before posting it today.

As I read that last part, I started to wonder if life plays games with us. We hope for the best, and sometimes, we actually get it. Most of the time we don’t. But “the word” and the Universe asks us to be patient. To remain positive “in spite of” because our blessings are a’comin!

Then I read my Jesus Calling for today because I forgot to read it this morning…”When things go “wrong,” you tend to react as if you’re being punished. Instead of this negative response, try to view difficulties as blessings in disguise.”

I found this interesting considering what I had written in the last post. And, I have to be honest…I believe this to be true. Just like the saying…”Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.”

But still…there’s something about all of it that makes me feel as if someone’s trying to sell me some magic beans.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Just Desserts

Saturday was interesting.

It began from the night before because the entire neighborhood blacked out. We sat in the dark for at least an hour with our phones providing the only light. But the three of us sat around joking about whatever, so it wasn’t bad at all.

I had made up in my mind that I would skip the gym and go find an apartment. Even if I had to get a one bedroom for a while, until they adjusted my pay and then move to a two bedroom…I would just have to deal. Whatever happened, happened. I wouldn’t be upset or negative about it. I would just be grateful that I had a job.

Friday night I asked him what he was doing Saturday because I was hoping he’d say that he had plans with his daughter(s). He didn’t. So he asked if I was asking because I wanted him to come apartment hunting with us. It’s crazy how much life changes in a matter of days. If you recall, just last weekend I didn’t want him to have a pinky in my move or finding an apartment. But I had softened over the week. We’ve been getting along ALMOST the way we used to before my depression kicked in.

HE CLEANED HIS HAIR OFF OF THE BATHROOM COUNTER!

Anyway…I asked him to come. I also asked, ‘What’s the proper response if someone asks who you are? Cuz if you start buggin’, I’ll leave your ass right there.’ Yes, it was a joke and we laughed. He said that he’d keep his distance and allow me to handle my business. And he did.

The first place we went to was “the place.” I had decided before arriving that THIS would be where we’d live. We waited almost 25 minutes to speak with someone only to find out that the apartment that I wanted was rented the day before and the next apartment wouldn’t be available for another month! I didn’t get upset, I just accepted the circumstances.

We went not even a block away to the next place. Before leaving, I had signed papers and left a deposit. There’s a Harris Teeter, Fresh Market, and Trader Joe’s all in walking distance! I had hit the jackpot. (Let’s all pray I don’t eat these words later.) And it’s only 1.5 miles from my son’s high school, and about a 20 drive from my school. It’s about 2 miles from the closest YMCA. I’m happy.

Whenever I think about what happened with the job and salary, I think about how unfair it is. I think about how you can take two steps forward, but life will knock you 20 steps back. And you start wondering if it’s all worth it. Is it worth the hard work one puts in only to find yourself not reaping the benefits. But who’s to say I’m not reaping the benefits. Maybe these are the life lessons that, although they feel unfair and horrible right now, are preparing me for what’s to come. It’s just not wrapped in a box with a pretty bow on top, which is how I’d rather receive it. But maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t have the same impact if it felt nice, and sweet, with a salted caramel drizzle and whipped cream on top.

Gosh, I love salted caramel!

Petty Wap…Lol

Beast Mode.

Swimming Lessons.

Apartment hunting.

We saw a few apartments that we love. My son then tells me that he thought we’d live in the city. Like downtown where everything is happening. I told him they will likely not pay me enough money for that, especially since NC is in the bottom three states for teacher salary. Yes, the cost of living is less, but DAMN! They are literally slapping teachers in the face with what they pay them here. They have such a deficit of teachers, especially ones to teach in high-poverty areas. No one wants to be a teacher anymore. And if they still do, they move out of state.

Anyway…it was a fun day with him.

Then I decided to start some trouble. I don’t know why. Boredom? Who knows.

Today’s word boys & girls:

P E to the T T Y

Lol. Seriously…I was petty twice! Not sure what it’s about though. Then I instantly regretted it.

Well, I’m drinking wine now. For some reason, I’m thinking that will just allow me to relax and take my petty ass to sleep because I’m out of control. Lol

Seriously, each time I think about it, I laugh hysterically…like a mad woman. I pray that tomorrow will bring a new me. Zero petty, and 100% not giving one

Lol, I’ve used this pic before.

Anyway, I’m rambling probably because I’m bored out of my mind. OMG, I just remembered that I took an extra strength Tylenol a couple of hours ago. Drinking wine probably isn’t smart. DAMMIT! There goes my night. I wish I was overly tired so I could just pass out, but I am so awake and full of P E to the T T Y!

And on that note. Good night boys & girls.

 

Riddle Me This…

I’m here! I made it through yesterday. I had to keep looking to the Jesus Calling passage to keep me focused. It’s in the bed with me.

I keep asking myself why I continue to put it down. It seems whenever I put it down, not too long after, things start going crazy in my life. I feel lost. This time, I want to make the excuse that regardless, what I experienced with moving and feeling depressed, would’ve happened whether I was still reading it or not.

Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows at this point.

I was brought up going to church every Sunday. Bible school on Saturday. Learning all of the IMPORTANT verses.

I haven’t been to church in years. I mean a really, really, really long time. Since early 2000’s.

I have found that I take issue with organized religion. I take issue with the reason why I, my mother, my grandparents, my great grandparents, etc. believe what they do. I take issue with religious people who judge others. I take issue with ministers with their “Holier than Thou” attitudes and turn around and get busted for child porn, or molestation, or living a lifestyle most of their “sheep” aren’t financially able to, yet throw their cars, clothes and houses in their faces, and then ask for mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in a higher power. I believe that this planet and the others are here for a reason. They didn’t just happen by accident. When I think about life, and how a life is born and how organs and cells and everything all serve a purpose and all work together and without the proper function of one, the others tend to fail, I know that’s not just some freak accident.

I don’t struggle with my faith, or my purpose, or the fact that what I put out into the Universe, will surely come back to me. So when I read “the word” I understand it for the intended lesson. But I don’t take each and every word at face value. People have used that same “word” to justify some of the world’s greatest injustices.

I take the good within and between those words. I take whatever creates a person in me who is empathetic to others and treats others with respect and dignity. I take whatever helps me sleep peacefully at night and allows me to awake with the expectation of only great things on the horizon.

So why do I ever put it down? It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries…along with why I can’t seem to be in a functioning relationship with anyone.

And that’s all I wish to say about that.

Stamp of Approval

I came in from the gym to a phone call from my chair.

He said that my committee member approved my paper!

Now it has to go to the IRB (Institutional Review Board) for approval and then I need to find a school district that will allow me to be all up in their business!

I also need to contact an editor to go over my paper for grammar, APA style, and such.

So excited! I’m looking for something yummy to eat to celebrate.

See, that’s why I’m always at the gym.

1+1=1

Today’s word boys & girls:

Codependency

He told me today about how his mother calls him every morning with some story about his sister. She’s typically done something that’s selfish, self-centered, blames his mother for things that go wrong, and expects his mother to always, always, always be there to pick up the kids, take the kids, parent the kids, etc.

He laughs.

I shake my head. My response, “I guess that’s something I’ll never understand.”

He says, ‘What’s funny is one wouldn’t be able to function without the other. My sister (she’s in her mid 30s) needs my mother to do everything for her. And my mother needs someone around to do things for.

Let’s allow this to marinate for a moment.

I knew there MUST be a name for this type of relationship. And I KNOW the way they function MUST have an impact on him and how he interacts with me, his daughters, his ex, etc.

Codependency

Here’s the thing…my family and I are so on the total opposite side of the spectrum. We are dysfunctional in our own right. We are so not dependent on each other that it can sometimes be to our own detriment.

Point is…I keep wanting to find a way to resume this relationship once I’ve moved. I don’t want to just give up, knowing that there are married people who have weathered worst storms. But the more I look into the very things that make us tick, I’m analog and he’s digital.

I’ll be transparent for a moment as well…I’ve been thinking about being single, living with just my son in a new city. There’s a part of it that excites the hell out of me, but then it scares me as well. I don’t like starting over getting to know someone new. Yes, when things click it can be exciting and fun. But when date after date is someone who makes you wish you were home under the covers watching reruns of just about anything, then it’s not so fun. The latter is what my life had been like for almost 13 years before meeting him. But I’m also not someone to be in something, anything, just for the sake of being there. Sometimes I have to get uncomfortable to see just what I’m made of. And after this, I don’t need to think about being in anything with anyone, just work and finish this paper.

So yeah…those are today’s thoughts and that’s all I have to say about them.

Teeny weeny

I received a call from another school today.

I’ve officially begun to pack.

I’m happy and a little scared, just a little itty, bitty bit.

Live-in Help Wanted

I feel as if I’ve been hit by a Mack truck.

150 Lunges

250 Squats

75 Jump Squats

5 Stair Climbs

5 1-minute wall sits

125 Wall Balls

125 Kettlebell Swings

That was yesterday’s workout. Now I’m lying in the bed dreading every time I must move.

When I hit the lottery…I’ll have a live-in masseuse. He, yes it MUST be a man, would be in here right now kneading out all of the kinks. Ugh!

I need to do laundry and make some breakfast. I guess I’ll need to add a maid and chef to those live-in luxuries.

With A Little Help From My Friends

Just inhaled some nachos and sparkling wine. I should be completely done by the end of this post. Lol

I spoke with my BFF/Mentor today. She’s the reason why I decided to get my Ed.D. She told me, “West, you can do this. You’re a great writer.” So here I am.

Today we talked more about my personal issues. I filled her in on some things. And she is very honest with me. Even if she’s telling me something I don’t want to hear. So I value her opinion.

She told me that until he deals with his issues with his ex, daughters, and even his mother, his relationships with women will likely not go well, not unless she’s a woman who’s willing to go through therapy with him…and that’s if he understands that he needs it.

Basically, he doesn’t know what to do with me. He doesn’t know how to handle me.

Well…there you have it. From my BFF’s mouth to your ears. And this woman is beyond 50, and is in a marriage that has tested time and the prejudices of those who look at her marriage as something that shouldn’t have happened, and not just because of race but age, and religion. Yep, triple threat! But they are the cutest couple ever! I love the way they relate to each other.

Yeah, sometimes I think I’ll have that. And sometimes, I don’t want any parts of it. I used to always say, if I could take all of my male friends and put them in one, I’d have the perfect mate. We know that’ll never happen, so there at times when I think that I’ll be happy with my individual male friends and the role they play as individuals in my life, and I’ll be ok with that.

And that’s all I have to say about that.