Hello…is it me you’re looking for?

I miss you guys so much!

Since going back to work and moving to a new city, so much has happened…

• The new job is kicking my butt! Not only are they NOT paying me for my level of education, but they act as if I should work from home…NOT! We aren’t even going to start that so I clearly set the expectation that I HAVE A LIFE! So working from home isn’t an option.
• I finally submitted my paper to the IRB for review. I’m so excited! My chair tells me, now you can re-write chapters 1 & 2 in past tense. WTH?!?! Yep, gotta do what I gotta do.
• My Mother’s situation has been all over the map. She had outpatient surgery to remove a synovial cyst from her spine September 8, by September 10, she was back in the hospital with an infection. Because of her cancer, her immune system is compromised so the infection developed quickly. She was in the hospital for almost a week before she was moved to one of the best rehab facilities in NJ. She’s been there for almost two weeks now. My son and I went up two weekends ago to check on her. While there she was doing well but then developed a fever and much of her progress as far as movement of her right leg had left her. As of today, she’s doing much better and is slated to be released Oct. 5. A physical and occupational therapist will come to her home to continue working with her.
• And…the guy and I are getting stronger daily. It’s crazy how we are back where we began and even better. I’ve never had anyone love me through anything like this before. That depression turned me into someone I didn’t even like, so for him to be there, says so much and has taught me so much about loving unconditionally…not just him, but anyone who needs it in spite of their situation.

So that’s everything. I’m still trying to unload boxes and decorate. I don’t know why, considering I’ve decided I’ll probably move after my lease is up…I don’t think this place is a great fit for me.

I have been attempting to keep up with reading everyone’s posts because I miss you guys so much and am always interested in what’s happening on your end. And know that WHATEVER you’re going through, I am keeping you in my thoughts, and I celebrate your milestones and accomplishments as well.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Baby, I’m Back!

I have been so busy lately that I haven’t been able to post.

I have been reading ALL of your posts. I may not be able to “like” them in the moment, but as soon as I’m on, I go through and like, like, like…so don’t think I’m a speed reader, or just “liking” for the sake of “liking.” I’ve honestly read your words. Ok…maybe not the lengthy posts…

Anyway…so much has changed seemingly overnight.

I have officially begun my new job. Unfortunately I haven’t been to the gym or worked on my paper…so not having a job was actually kinda nice.

I have officially moved into my new apartment! This happened just this past Saturday. By the time I cleaned my “Mobile Cottage” (that’s just a fancy word for cockroach infested mobile trailer situated in a swamp-like area, which is actually my classroom), and moved, my back was pulsating. I am still living among taped boxes and stuff that hasn’t been given a designated location. I had to actually work on SUNDAY! What teacher has to do THAT?!?!

Anyway…I’m excited to get to see my students Monday. I’ve already met 10 of them at Open House and they seem really nice. Most of their families come from El Salvador and do not speak English…so here’s where the 2 years of junior high, 2 years of high school, and a minor in Spanish will all kick in. HA! I’m a 2nd grader at best when it comes to speaking Spanish. But hopefully some of my students will take pity on me and give me some free lessons.

Here’s what you’ve been waiting for…it was all a dream! A 7-month nightmare from which I have finally awaken. He and I are back to where we were. TRUST ME PEOPLE, I was so serious each and every time I typed that I was done. That I probably could NEVER be in a relationship with him again. That I had checked out. I’m here as a witness that depression and being, physically and emotionally, in a place that strips you of everything you are for yourself and others is very real. And if you can find the light at the end of the tunnel, and just keep moving toward it, you can find yourself again. YOU CAN BE THAT PERSON AGAIN! I never thought I could tell him that I love or miss him. I never thought I’d ever refer to him as “My Love” ever again. But I’ve done all of those things and they simply fall out of my face so effortlessly. Just as they once had.

I’m not sure what made the difference for me. I know some people struggle with depression for years. They take drugs just to cope. I am so thankful that I didn’t get to that point. Allow me to self-assess for a moment…I have always been very self-aware. When I’m feeling “off”, I question why. I’m usually able to attribute it to something. Either my monthly is coming, or I’m overwhelmed with work. Whatever the root cause, I’m usually able to figure it out. I also don’t make excuses for it. I don’t say, “Well, it’s just how I am.” Because I know THAT’S NOT ME, THAT’S SOME PSYCHO BITCH WHO HAS COMPLETELY LOST HER DAMN MIND!

In saying that…I’m not sure if that’s the reason I was able to come out on the other side of it. I’m just glad and grateful that I have. And I pray it doesn’t happen again. However, if it does, then I hope I am just as aware, and possibly more so.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

The Ultimate Flim Flam

Today was orientation for the new job. I didn’t sleep well last night…I think I was a bit anxious and afraid of oversleeping.

I set the alarm for 4:30 just in case I found the energy to actually go to the gym before…I didn’t.

It was a long day of telling us things they could’ve put in a bulleted memo, peeing in a cup in such tight quarters that I’m glad I wore a dress because I probably would’ve come out of there with urine on my clothes, and getting fingerprinted in a place that was way too hot!

Yep! That was my day.

I’m here now. Sitting on the edge of the bed as he makes some dinner.

I’m tired, but not.

I had typed the previous post yesterday and never posted it. So I read through it again before posting it today.

As I read that last part, I started to wonder if life plays games with us. We hope for the best, and sometimes, we actually get it. Most of the time we don’t. But “the word” and the Universe asks us to be patient. To remain positive “in spite of” because our blessings are a’comin!

Then I read my Jesus Calling for today because I forgot to read it this morning…”When things go “wrong,” you tend to react as if you’re being punished. Instead of this negative response, try to view difficulties as blessings in disguise.”

I found this interesting considering what I had written in the last post. And, I have to be honest…I believe this to be true. Just like the saying…”Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.”

But still…there’s something about all of it that makes me feel as if someone’s trying to sell me some magic beans.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

C’est la vie

Today has been interesting.

I woke up, and laid in bed for almost two hours before getting ready for the gym. So many thoughts went through my mind. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other. In the end, I vowed to not worry. I’ve always been ok, and I’ll be ok.

Before I left for the gym, not only did I say “bye” but I gave him a kiss. That hasn’t happened in months!

Walking into class today felt crazy because it’s the last time I’ll be in that class with my gym friends. The thought of not being able to see them daily makes me sad and my eyes sweat. When class was over…I left without a word.

We went to get crepes today. I would swear I got pregnant by some random French man if I didn’t know better.

My son absolutely loves crepes. He and I sat on the same side of the booth. I think that’s the first time that’s happened in a while.

When we came back to the house I thanked him for brunch, and planted another one on him. He said that he was happy to see me smiling after yesterday. I actually sat down next to him and watched some of the Olympics for a while.

In other news…my mother has a synovial cyst on her lower spine and it’s causing excruciating pain in her buttocks, leg and now her foot. The neurosurgeon wants to perform surgery. It will likely take place the first or second week of September. My mother is tired and I’m sure a little scared.

I’ll keep praying.

Anyway…I begin work next Monday. So these posts will likely take a different turn from here. Tomorrow I plan to awake early to go find an apartment. I’ll have to trust that everything will work out.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Riddle Me This…

I’m here! I made it through yesterday. I had to keep looking to the Jesus Calling passage to keep me focused. It’s in the bed with me.

I keep asking myself why I continue to put it down. It seems whenever I put it down, not too long after, things start going crazy in my life. I feel lost. This time, I want to make the excuse that regardless, what I experienced with moving and feeling depressed, would’ve happened whether I was still reading it or not.

Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows at this point.

I was brought up going to church every Sunday. Bible school on Saturday. Learning all of the IMPORTANT verses.

I haven’t been to church in years. I mean a really, really, really long time. Since early 2000’s.

I have found that I take issue with organized religion. I take issue with the reason why I, my mother, my grandparents, my great grandparents, etc. believe what they do. I take issue with religious people who judge others. I take issue with ministers with their “Holier than Thou” attitudes and turn around and get busted for child porn, or molestation, or living a lifestyle most of their “sheep” aren’t financially able to, yet throw their cars, clothes and houses in their faces, and then ask for mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in a higher power. I believe that this planet and the others are here for a reason. They didn’t just happen by accident. When I think about life, and how a life is born and how organs and cells and everything all serve a purpose and all work together and without the proper function of one, the others tend to fail, I know that’s not just some freak accident.

I don’t struggle with my faith, or my purpose, or the fact that what I put out into the Universe, will surely come back to me. So when I read “the word” I understand it for the intended lesson. But I don’t take each and every word at face value. People have used that same “word” to justify some of the world’s greatest injustices.

I take the good within and between those words. I take whatever creates a person in me who is empathetic to others and treats others with respect and dignity. I take whatever helps me sleep peacefully at night and allows me to awake with the expectation of only great things on the horizon.

So why do I ever put it down? It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries…along with why I can’t seem to be in a functioning relationship with anyone.

And that’s all I wish to say about that.

Stamp of Approval

I came in from the gym to a phone call from my chair.

He said that my committee member approved my paper!

Now it has to go to the IRB (Institutional Review Board) for approval and then I need to find a school district that will allow me to be all up in their business!

I also need to contact an editor to go over my paper for grammar, APA style, and such.

So excited! I’m looking for something yummy to eat to celebrate.

See, that’s why I’m always at the gym.

Yucky

I may not always be nice, but I am always real.

About to leave for the gym. I have been in my feelings about my BFF/Mentor because I sent her a link to provide a reference for me a couple of months ago and she still hasn’t responded to it. When it initially came over, she said something was wrong with the link…

However, another former supervisor of mine completed the reference and sent it back immediately. So I had the link sent to her again the week before last. She told me that she received it and that she was going to complete it.

She hasn’t.

My former principal from NJ who probably hates me (for personal reasons, not professional) finally completed it and sent it back.

So yeah. I’m feeling something about it.

Today’s word boys & girls:

Yucky!

Yes. I feel yucky about it.

And that’s all I have to say about that. BEAST MODE!

1+1=1

Today’s word boys & girls:

Codependency

He told me today about how his mother calls him every morning with some story about his sister. She’s typically done something that’s selfish, self-centered, blames his mother for things that go wrong, and expects his mother to always, always, always be there to pick up the kids, take the kids, parent the kids, etc.

He laughs.

I shake my head. My response, “I guess that’s something I’ll never understand.”

He says, ‘What’s funny is one wouldn’t be able to function without the other. My sister (she’s in her mid 30s) needs my mother to do everything for her. And my mother needs someone around to do things for.

Let’s allow this to marinate for a moment.

I knew there MUST be a name for this type of relationship. And I KNOW the way they function MUST have an impact on him and how he interacts with me, his daughters, his ex, etc.

Codependency

Here’s the thing…my family and I are so on the total opposite side of the spectrum. We are dysfunctional in our own right. We are so not dependent on each other that it can sometimes be to our own detriment.

Point is…I keep wanting to find a way to resume this relationship once I’ve moved. I don’t want to just give up, knowing that there are married people who have weathered worst storms. But the more I look into the very things that make us tick, I’m analog and he’s digital.

I’ll be transparent for a moment as well…I’ve been thinking about being single, living with just my son in a new city. There’s a part of it that excites the hell out of me, but then it scares me as well. I don’t like starting over getting to know someone new. Yes, when things click it can be exciting and fun. But when date after date is someone who makes you wish you were home under the covers watching reruns of just about anything, then it’s not so fun. The latter is what my life had been like for almost 13 years before meeting him. But I’m also not someone to be in something, anything, just for the sake of being there. Sometimes I have to get uncomfortable to see just what I’m made of. And after this, I don’t need to think about being in anything with anyone, just work and finish this paper.

So yeah…those are today’s thoughts and that’s all I have to say about them.

Teeny weeny

I received a call from another school today.

I’ve officially begun to pack.

I’m happy and a little scared, just a little itty, bitty bit.

Live-in Help Wanted

I feel as if I’ve been hit by a Mack truck.

150 Lunges

250 Squats

75 Jump Squats

5 Stair Climbs

5 1-minute wall sits

125 Wall Balls

125 Kettlebell Swings

That was yesterday’s workout. Now I’m lying in the bed dreading every time I must move.

When I hit the lottery…I’ll have a live-in masseuse. He, yes it MUST be a man, would be in here right now kneading out all of the kinks. Ugh!

I need to do laundry and make some breakfast. I guess I’ll need to add a maid and chef to those live-in luxuries.