Hello…is it me you’re looking for?

I miss you guys so much!

Since going back to work and moving to a new city, so much has happened…

• The new job is kicking my butt! Not only are they NOT paying me for my level of education, but they act as if I should work from home…NOT! We aren’t even going to start that so I clearly set the expectation that I HAVE A LIFE! So working from home isn’t an option.
• I finally submitted my paper to the IRB for review. I’m so excited! My chair tells me, now you can re-write chapters 1 & 2 in past tense. WTH?!?! Yep, gotta do what I gotta do.
• My Mother’s situation has been all over the map. She had outpatient surgery to remove a synovial cyst from her spine September 8, by September 10, she was back in the hospital with an infection. Because of her cancer, her immune system is compromised so the infection developed quickly. She was in the hospital for almost a week before she was moved to one of the best rehab facilities in NJ. She’s been there for almost two weeks now. My son and I went up two weekends ago to check on her. While there she was doing well but then developed a fever and much of her progress as far as movement of her right leg had left her. As of today, she’s doing much better and is slated to be released Oct. 5. A physical and occupational therapist will come to her home to continue working with her.
• And…the guy and I are getting stronger daily. It’s crazy how we are back where we began and even better. I’ve never had anyone love me through anything like this before. That depression turned me into someone I didn’t even like, so for him to be there, says so much and has taught me so much about loving unconditionally…not just him, but anyone who needs it in spite of their situation.

So that’s everything. I’m still trying to unload boxes and decorate. I don’t know why, considering I’ve decided I’ll probably move after my lease is up…I don’t think this place is a great fit for me.

I have been attempting to keep up with reading everyone’s posts because I miss you guys so much and am always interested in what’s happening on your end. And know that WHATEVER you’re going through, I am keeping you in my thoughts, and I celebrate your milestones and accomplishments as well.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

C’est la vie

Today has been interesting.

I woke up, and laid in bed for almost two hours before getting ready for the gym. So many thoughts went through my mind. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other. In the end, I vowed to not worry. I’ve always been ok, and I’ll be ok.

Before I left for the gym, not only did I say “bye” but I gave him a kiss. That hasn’t happened in months!

Walking into class today felt crazy because it’s the last time I’ll be in that class with my gym friends. The thought of not being able to see them daily makes me sad and my eyes sweat. When class was over…I left without a word.

We went to get crepes today. I would swear I got pregnant by some random French man if I didn’t know better.

My son absolutely loves crepes. He and I sat on the same side of the booth. I think that’s the first time that’s happened in a while.

When we came back to the house I thanked him for brunch, and planted another one on him. He said that he was happy to see me smiling after yesterday. I actually sat down next to him and watched some of the Olympics for a while.

In other news…my mother has a synovial cyst on her lower spine and it’s causing excruciating pain in her buttocks, leg and now her foot. The neurosurgeon wants to perform surgery. It will likely take place the first or second week of September. My mother is tired and I’m sure a little scared.

I’ll keep praying.

Anyway…I begin work next Monday. So these posts will likely take a different turn from here. Tomorrow I plan to awake early to go find an apartment. I’ll have to trust that everything will work out.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Smiling through the phone

Mother laughed today.

Not the lethargic laugh that has been coming from her throat only. She laughed from her gut today. It wasn’t loud, but it was real. I could hear her smile through the phone.

And for that…I am so very grateful.

And with that gratefulness…I’m going to kick this paper’s ass today!

Dear Mother

I’m trying to meet a deadline I’ve set for myself of Thursday to turn in my proposal paper.

But I’ve stopped to write this quickly because I just spoke with my Mother and Sister. My Mother had a chemo treatment today. She has already gone through one round of three weeks on, one week off and she has two more to go.

Her hair has started to fall out. This is a woman who won’t go downstairs in her building to get her mail without fixing her hair. She would sit myself and my sister down between her legs EVERY DAY from I guess about one or two years of age until we were probably 12 to do our hair. We literally had a different hairstyle every day! Like our Mother, my sister and I take great pride in keeping our hair groomed.

So I can only imagine how difficult it is for her to be losing her hair right now. And I can’t be there with her. I know it’s only hair. And I keep telling myself that. But it’s the reason why she’s losing her hair in the first place that upsets me.

She told me that she cried this morning. I hate hearing her say that. My Mother is the strongest woman I know. I’m such a big baby myself so when she tells me that, it makes me cry too.

And really, that’s all I wish to say about that.

Dear Momma

Growing up, my mother always put her three children first. She was the epitome of the perfect parent. Of course I didn’t think that then.

My mother has always been a disciplinarian. Not anything harsh, but stern and consistent. As a high school girl, she was “doing too much”, as the kids say today. She kept me from some things but gave me freedom in others. There was never a curfew. Just an understanding of a reasonable time when a young lady should be home. I made sure not to overstep too many times. I recall once or twice, max!

Anyway, I’ve always been an emotional person, where my mother could put on her “Stone Cold” face and look right through me while I was in the midst of one of my emotional breakdowns. I never understood how she could sit there while tears streamed down my face. How could she know I was hurting and act as if she didn’t care?

Once I came into my own, which was probably mid 30s, I had a new found respect for my mother and her parenting style. I can handle just about anything. I am strong and resilient. When I became an educator, tears couldn’t move me. My classroom management style was my mother as a parent, stern and consistent.

My previous post has me reflecting on my upbringing and being so thankful that my mother didn’t raise me to be a drama queen who need the entire world to attend to her crap. And I can assure you, if I had birthed a daughter, she would be tough as nails too. 

And that’s all I have to say about that.