Endless Renewal…Day 2

I shed a single tear today.

If you knew me at all, you would know that me and tears have a love/hate relationship.

I love that I’m able to express my emotions.

I hate that, no matter the emotion, tears are usually involved.

I love that I am self aware enough to know when I need to cry.

I hate that I don’t always have control over when they come. I’ve tried blinking wildly, changing the subject, looking up awkwardly, squinting my eyes, taking deep breaths, swallowing, and even laughing hysterically to act as if I’m literally…DYING LAUGHING!

None of that has worked.

Back to the subject…

As I listened to Deepak he mentioned how effortlessly things happen in nature. And like nature, children move through life in a similar fashion until an experience whether physical, emotional, spiritual or mental, begins to weigh down on them.

My first thought was ‘When was the first time I felt as if something heavy was weighing down on me?’

3rd grade? 4th grade? 6th grade?

Although it kinda began in 3rd grade with my father having an accident on his job that left him disabled, therefore unable to work, I think the full weight of that day arrived in 6th grade when he began kissing me down my neck one day.

Then my thoughts went to my students who I know have seen their share of suffering. And then that damn tear rolled down my cheek.

They don’t deserve the lives they live.

I am not in 6th grade. I am here. In this moment. And I’m not who I used to be.

I am living in the present. And in doing that, I am endlessly renewed.

Shedding the Weight…Day 1

Today was a good day!

I cried a lot yesterday. I needed to. It had been bottled up for far too long and I had to get it out.

But I awoke today and vowed that I would consciously practice being mindful. I noticed the little things on the way to work. I thought about the people and things for which I was grateful. Concentrated on my breathing. I listened to Deepak and tried to keep the negative thoughts from creeping in.

They did. A few times.

But I quickly, and deliberately, changed my thinking to something that would make my heart smile.

The students didn’t even get on my nerves today. I told myself I would no longer allow that.

Then I received a phone call from a person I just happened to see on FB. He could be in a position to help me move my career along. And although he’s younger than I, I am open to what he has to say and the knowledge he will impart. I, on the other hand, am excited to possibly assist him in his doctoral studies.

There was a time when I had very little negative talk. I was all about being positive. I am trying desperately to get back to her.

Dumbness in 5, 4, 3, 2,…

I’m putting this here because if/when I post it on FB or IG, it will be obvious for who it’s intended, and I just don’t feel like getting into an argument about this shit right now.

I really HATE when men have a problem with a woman who says she’s independent, or who wants to be independent.

WTF wants to be with someone they have to take care of?!?!

WHO?!?!

Who wants to be someone who wants to have to depend on others, as a GROWN ASS WOMAN?!?!

I’m so tired of the narrative that Black women who are/need/want to be independent are saying “I don’t need a man!” And that’s why so many Black women are single.

How the fuck do you equate one with the other?

If you are a man who is afraid of a woman who can survive on her own, then you have BIGGER issues.

There are people you can see for that…BTW.

And even when I’ve explained, not that I should even have to, why I feel the way I do, he still looks at it as a negative.

NO! The only negative I see is your fucked up opinion about it. So raise your daughters to be dependent on people if you like. And when they are in abusive relationships, physical or mental, and they stay and are miserable, remember that at least they are married or in a relationship and they aren’t contributing to the demise of the Black family.

Ugh! I’m so pissed right now.

How dumb can one individual be…let me count the ways!

And the Oscar Goes To…

While at the nail salon I replayed parts of our argument/disagreement over in my head.

He says I’m judgmental…first of all, WHO ISN’T!

And when I ask for specifics of what I judge about him, he’s got…NOTHING!

As my nails soak, I go over my life as it currently stands and wonder where I went wrong. How the hell did I get here? I lost a close friend over the summer and still do not know what I did or said to make her stop wanting to be my friend.

And so I sat there with my thoughts and realized that I often associate myself with people I’ve watched on TV or in movies…

There was a time when I was…

Joan Clayton from Girlfriends. The perpetual “single girl,” “always a bridesmaid and never a bride,” and I hated it. Always feeling as if I’d be alone and die alone. I cried a lot during that time. Always wanting and needing someone to love me. And not understanding why I could never maintain a relationship. Those things would crash and burn within 3 months.

Then I was J-Lo. Yes, the consummate “single girl,” who DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK! I also earned my platinum “Cougar Card” in typical J-Lo fashion. I dated who I wanted, when I wanted, and as long as he was legal, he wasn’t off limits. I knew I was single and I was so happy with it. I went into those interactions not expecting anything but a good time. No relationship. No long-term anything. No babies. No marriage. Just FUN!

Now I feel like a cross between a washed up J-Lo and Rochelle from “Everybody Hates Chris.” I’ve been there, done that, and I’m done with it all. I tell people off so randomly and don’t really care what comes out of my mouth. I tell the truth to a fault and sometimes at the expense of hurting another’s feelings. And I’m somewhat of an uppity snob. I don’t look down my nose at others, I simply ignore their existence. I’m above it all.

All of it! Lol

And so, as I accept this award, I’d like to thank my Mother for being equally as uppity and raising me right. I’d like to thank my son for helping me to perfect my craft of stringing curse words together in ways that would impress just about anyone if they heard me. And I’d like to thank God/The Universe for making this life of mine so freaking difficult at times, keeping me deep in thought and on my toes, always waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Please, save your applause.

What if…

I was already happy.

Seriously, I had found happiness in just being. No, I didn’t necessarily like my job at the time, but I was happy.

I found happiness in the smallest things…

Trips to Costco, the beauty supply store, the Amish market…all gave me unspeakable joy.

But then I moved. And it all went away…

Costco. Beauty supply store. Amish market. And my happiness.

It has been a couple years now since I’ve been consistently happy.

So when I see videos, articles, etc. talking about how you have to make yourself happy. You can’t count on anyone outside of yourself to create your happiness. Wil Smith talking about how he couldn’t make Jada happy…I think to myself…

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS WHEN YOU WERE HAPPY AND THEN THE SHIT IS JUST GONE?!?!  WHERE’S THE VIDEO FOR THAT?!?! What do I do now? How do I find it again? It took years to find my own happiness and with one move, and a few months, it was gone.

And that’s all I care to say about that.

Silence=Smarter

I’ve been so silent with him lately.

I’m scared of what I might say if I talk too much.

I’d rather share my thoughts with you guys and a professional therapist. I’m not working right now and don’t have insurance so…YOU GUYS IT IS!

I don’t like living with him. I love my mother dearly, but I know we cannot live together. I know this because I’ve lived it. Now I’m living it with him. We (mostly he) talk about spending the rest of our lives together, getting married,…but how does that work when I don’t feel as if I can live with him?

In my mind, I’d love to see me get a job, move out, and us going back to the way it was when I lived in another state. I don’t necessarily want to move out of state, but just have my own space. A place where he comes to visit for a few days and then leaves. Not to be there long enough to leave piles of shit, or shoes, in random places.

I wonder if he feels as if we will have failed if I move out. I don’t see it that way. I think it’s necessary for us to survive at this point…for me to survive. When I married the first time, I knew it was a mistake. The night before, I was sick to my stomach. But I was afraid of what people would say, or think. Long before that night I knew it wasn’t right, but money had already been spent on deposits for this and that. When I look back, I know it was supposed to happen otherwise my son wouldn’t be here. But being the “Me” I am at this time, and knowing what I know, I DON’T GIVE A DAMN about what people think. I care about myself and my own mental health.

There’s a part of me that wants to tell him because I feel as if I’m keeping a secret from him. But I also know that sometimes you need to have your SHIT STRAIGHT before you start running off at the mouth. Do I think he’ll ask me to leave? No. But when I have the conversation, I want to already be on the road to Two-Bedroom Apartmentville. And I will have already made up in my mind that it is necessary and there will be NOTHING he could say to make me change my mind. I feel as if I’m already there, but I would love to get a professional, objective opinion before saying I’m 100% certain.

 

Guilt

I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what it is I feel about this relationship, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s guilt.

I absolutely hate the way I am with him. He doesn’t deserve the person I am now. I know this. I don’t know exactly what he’s feeling about all of this. But I sit for hours wondering if things will ever go back to the way they were. And if they did, how would that happen? I honestly can’t see it. Actually, I can see things going back but I’d have to move out. I can’t stay here. We cannot live together anymore and I’m fine with that. He is not.

I suggested a couple of weeks back that maybe I should find a job and move out. He didn’t see the point. Partly because I used the situation with his daughter as the catalyst for my decision instead of just saying that I simply didn’t want to live with him anymore. Before I moved in, we were perfection. Now this relationship is dying a slow, painful death. And I’m dying right along with it. He doesn’t see how it will fix things. Like his daughters, he wants what he wants when he wants it. And I’m the type to put up a huge ass wall to make sure you don’t.

With that said…in addition to writing this paper, I have to officially begin a job search next week. I have to be relentless about it because I don’t know anything about this state and unsure what it will take for me to be able to provide for myself. I just need to get me back. I need to feel whole and happy again. I never thought that at this age, I’d be feeling this way. I had figured it all out before he came along.

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt such a sense of obligation toward someone outside of my child and family. It’s killing me. I don’t want to feel as if I owe him anything. But I do. And the position I’m in right now, it’s the very one I preach to my female students about. “Don’t put yourself in a position to depend on a man for anything. Be self-sufficient! Don’t ever feel as if you can’t just pack your shit and leave if you need to.” And here I sit with my own words bearing down on me, and all I’m able to do is sit here and write this blog because I have nothing else. But I’ve been down before with much less. So I need to stop allowing these thoughts consume me and do something to fix this situation.

And that’s all I have to say about that…for now.

WOman Down!

After a rough start to Saturday (remember the wad of hair incident) and a Sunday where he totally flipped the script on ME! YES! He had the nerve to have the attitude this time!

He basically caught me off guard Sunday night after I consumed an entire 4 pack of chardonnay, and all was right with the world again.

We spent Monday in full “chill mode” in bed. It was nice for things to be back the way they used to be.

Who knew my 40s would be this entertaining. Just when you think you have it all figured out (relationships, goals, career, etc.), the Universe throws a monkey wrench in your entire program and you have to take a minute to put it all back in order again.

If nothing else, there’s never a dull moment in our journeys. Even when we think we’re bored and things are dull, understand it’s just a set up for what’s coming. And it’s ok to not know what to do. And it’s ok to not be strong. And it’s ok to cry. And it’s ok to just say “Eff This Sh*t!” And it’s also ok to just be your authentic self, even if that person is completely different from the person you thought you were just months ago. And it’s ok to ask for help, and take your time to figure it all out…because you will eventually.

This situation has taught me that no matter what you’re going through, there will be people who leave, and those who stay. And it doesn’t matter how incredibly CRAZY you are behaving. Because the people who are supposed to ride it out with you, are going to ride with you no matter what. He has taught me so much about acceptance, acting as a unit, and love without limits. I’m not saying things are perfect. And I darn sure am not saying that I have perfected what he’s teaching me. But he is providing an amazing example and I’m open to receive it and reciprocate.

My cup runneth over

I have always been someone who others could come to with problems. Even as an adolescent, my friends called me “Mom” although I was often the smallest of the group. They also said that when I became an adult, I’d be married with 10 kids and president of the PTA.

I have one child. I was married for all of 3 years. I’m an educator for 16 years now. I’ve NEVER been a part of a PTA.

The point of this post is the fact that I find reading other’s posts do more for me than anything. I find myself crying about the happy and sad posts. There are posts I “like” and there are those I “like” and “comment.” There are times when I feel I’m here more for others than I am for myself.

I love the field of psychology. I would often bring my “psychologist” hat inside the classroom with me when dealing with students. The thing is…they tell me their stories and I cry. My heart breaks. Or they tell me their stories and I cry and laugh. My heart leaps with joy. Either way, I’m filled up.

There’s a part of me that wishes I could study psychology. I wish I could be a child psychologist. But I can’t keep my own emotions in check. I’d be crying more than my patients. I used to pray and ask God why did I always cry about things. Why did I feel so deeply about the good and the bad? He hasn’t officially answered me yet. I don’t focus on that so much anymore. It’s just who I am.

So yeah, I’m still here blogging as if I have something important to say, but I honestly believe that although me being able to blog is more like journaling for me and allows me to get it out and leave it here, my main purpose for being here is not for me.

And I’m totally fine with that.

You Gon Learn Today

If you read my last post, you must know I’m watching the Kevin Hart marathon on Comedy Central…

When I was MUCH younger, there were so many things guys could do that would turn me off…so much so, I never had a boyfriend because I would like them one week, and the next week they’d say or do something and I would instantly stop liking them.

I spent 13 years after divorce in the dating pool and met some really great men. But I met some really “interesting” men as well. Of course, for fear I’d be single forever (which I actually used to cry about), I had to re-evaluate what I’d tolerate and what I wouldn’t. So here it goes:

1. Bad English – I’m an educator, I edit EVERYONE’S grammar, punctuation, use of the English language at ALL TIMES! It’s what I do. And although my senior prom date turned me off the moment he said “tesses” instead of “tests” making sure to pronounce the second “t”, I am no longer THAT hard on men for improper use of words…well, it depends on what word, but it’s no longer THAT serious…with conditions. (Do I sound as if I’m firm on this? No, I’m not, Lol) Sidebar: I had already asked the guy to the prom before he said “tesses” so I couldn’t take back the invite, but understand this…we did NOT have a great time that evening.
2. Hygiene/Cleanliness – I think they go hand in hand. If you invite me over to your dirty home, there’s something seriously wrong with you. You couldn’t even put up a front like you may have been clean, or even trying to impress me? And don’t think I’m going to ride in your dirty car. I’m a Queen, did you not get that memo?
3. Teeth – They ALL must be there…I’ll make exceptions for wisdom teeth, as I don’t have mine and you can’t see those when you smile anyway so WHATEVA. OH! And there will be NO dentures. You better save up those pennies for implants, because neither of us will be putting our teeth in a glass at the end of the night…that’s disgusting!

The list can go on, but these are the ones that top the list.