What say, you?

I am in NJ. I haven’t been home since Christmas.

I need someone to speak to me…

Here are the facts:

1. I left NJ in 2013, a month before my mother found out she had breast cancer.
2. Since then she has started chemo, she’s had a breast removed, she had a cyst on her spine which required surgery, she has lost so much weight…she now weighs less than 100 lbs.
3. My sister still lives in NJ. She has 2 kids and 2 jobs. She has to help with my mother, and it stresses her out.
4. At times my mother doesn’t eat, which is something that has been happening again recently.
5. I arrived Wednesday evening and I’ve cooked for her and made sure she’s taking meds to help with appetite.

So I arrived Wednesday evening. Thursday morning I had mother take her meds and I went out to get her coffee and figure out what to eat. My sister and I had been texting back and forth. At one point I mentioned that I wasn’t sure how long I’d stay here because I have to sleep on the love seat or floor and it’s not comfortable. That was my only complaint. While out getting coffee, I received a text message from her that basically said:

‘I’m not trying to start anything with you but I feel I need to say something. Imagine what its like when you’re dealing with something all the time and you have been here a whole day and you can’t deal. Mommy’s situation is not good and hasn’t been for a while. And it must be great to not have to see or deal with it on a regular basis and live life. I don’t want to hear it.’

So I’m just flabbergasted! I’m going back in my mind about what I had said within the last 12 hours since I arrived. At no point did I ever say that I couldn’t deal or handle it or was tired of it, or anything. The only thing I complained about was where I had to sleep…to which she NEVER offered a place to sleep at her apartment…but anyway.

I responded with an ultra PC response that basically said I knew that she needed to get that off her chest and if there was anything else, then say it. I also said I appreciate what she does and that I wish I could be here to lighten the load. Of course the “real me” wanted to rip her a new one for what she said but I understand the pressure. And I’d rather respond that way than to get in a heated argument that would likely spill over to our children because we have been here before and they suffered because our relationship was non-existent.

Honestly, I wanted to put my shit back in the car and drive my ass right back home. I wanted to cry. I was so frustrated because I already feel guilty for not being able to get here as often as I’d like.

This place just doesn’t feel the same. It never will again. It seems with each visit, something or someone shows me that “home” isn’t here.

Summer ’18

My goal this summer is to live.

Live like this will be my last summer on the planet.

Well, I actually am NOT going to live like that because if I did, I’d cash in my 403b and just visit the countries I’ve always wanted. I don’t have the cash sitting around for that, not SUMMER ’18.

However, I plan to do whatever I want, within reason and budget! LoL

I just sent a message to a plastic surgeon. WHY?!?!

Because I can! And because I’ve been wondering about something and that something just might be worth the money it would take to “fix it” so…WHY THE HELL NOT!

I’m going to attend all of the Yelp events this summer. I’m usually too tired from work to attend since they are usually in the middle of the week, BUT NOT THIS SUMMER!

I’m going to the gym as often as I damn well please! Gotta workout so I can attend Yelp events!

I’m going back to DC to just hang out.

Of course I’m going home to New Jersey, that goes without saying. Gotta check on Mother.

And I am really going to try to get on a plane to just about anywhere. I honestly don’t care where, just any place other than here, or New Jersey, or New York.

And I’m going to read books. I’ve already started one. And I need to figure out what the next one will be so it’s ready. My goal is to read 5 this summer,…I think I’m already behind.

I want to laugh as hard as ever. I don’t want to worry or stress about anything or anyone.

I want to talk to God and the Universe and hear what they have to say in return.

I want to drink wine. I want to drink wine until I’m tipsy. Not fall down drunk, but giggling just a little too much in the middle of the day at the most random things.

I may even ride a horse. I’ve always wanted to but never have.

Yep, this is what I’m going to do, and maybe more…all SUMMER ’18

Depression

Does depression ever actually go away…for good?

I feel as if it doesn’t.

It may take a hiatus, or I become distracted by something else that allows me to not focus on it, but then here it is again.

Last night I had the strangest feeling. I felt as if I was very close to just losing it! For as depressed as I was a couple of years ago, I never felt like I no longer wanted to be here, that never entered my mind.

It did for a moment last night. It was scary.

This morning I went to work and felt like if someone pushed just the right button, I’d have an anxiety attack or just go crazy!

I was so aware of my feelings that I spoke calmly to students, as not to get riled up.

As I type I feel better. I need the next two weeks to zip by so I can take some time to just sit, and breath, and think, and write.

Expecting Too Much?

I’ve been focused so much today on expectations vs. standards.

Why?!?!

I was having a conversation with someone this morning and then the Universe allowed me to see a video of Jada Pinkett Smith talking about “how expectations will steal the gifts that are sitting in front of you because you are so concerned about creating this picture you have in your mind that you can’t see the blessing you have standing right in front of you.”

So it had me thinking about myself and what’s been going on with me.

Do I have unrealistic expectations?

Is it my expectations that are getting in the way or my standards?

What is truly the difference between the two?

Expectations are the things we hope will happen, or the way we hope others will act. It really has nothing to do with us.

Standards, on the other hand, are what we want to bring to our lives. It allows us to take ownership of what’s happening because if something doesn’t measure up to our standard, we can simply not allow it. For example, I don’t eat at Red Lobster if I want great seafood. Red Lobster is beneath me. There was a time when Red Lobster was GREAT! That is no longer the case since I’ve had the opportunity to dine on better seafood. It may cost more, but it’s worth it. I know I will leave satisfied.

Anyway, for years I lowered my expectations for others because I had been let down so often by so many. I began to not expect much at all. If I needed something, I did it for myself. The moment I counted on someone else, they either didn’t follow-thru, or they came with some sub par shit that I would never have given to someone else. Wrapped in that are my standards. When it comes to doing things for others, I’m going to go all out, or not at all. If I can’t do it 1,000%, then I simply won’t do it.

Not sure where I want to go with this…just know that I’ll likely revisit this particular topic again. Hopefully with more insight next time.

Feel free to offer your personal insights, I’d love to hear them.

HighJackin’

Last night I decided I would talk to him.

I was ready. I was calm. I told myself that there wouldn’t be an argument. I’m done with that.

So this morning I called early to let him know that I was ready to talk, however, it would have to wait until later.

Fast forward to later…

We are on the phone and not 5 minutes in, he asks me, ‘So, what’s on your mind?’

I begin by saying, “I’m tired of arguing. I realize that we have been having the same argument for almost 2.5 years.”

[Insert a slight pause here.]

‘OK, Well if you want to end this then that’s fine. You don’t have to come up with a bunch of reasons why. I get it. I’m tired of it too. Actually, I’ll come get my things and…’

YEP! Totally highjacked my conversation. Interrupted me. Read my mind, Not!

I just drove and listened. I said nothing. I began to take it as a sign that maybe that’s what I should be saying, but it wasn’t at all what I planned to say.

After an extremely long pause, I said, “You asked me what was on my mind and instead of allowing me to tell you, you tell me what’son my mind. I wasn’t even going in that direction. But maybe I should. And if that’s what you’ve been wanting to get off your chest, then fine. We can end it, you can come get your stuff, and it’ll be over. It’s not the first time you’ve broken up with me, but it will certainly be the last.” (No yelling.)

He then says how I’m not going to put it all on him and he was wrong for highjacking my thoughts.

In the end, I felt it was going down a road I vowed never to go down with him again, so I said very calmly…”I decided to talk to you when I was ready. When I was clear on what I wanted to say and right now, this is not going as planned. So instead of continuing, I am going to leave it where it is. I am going to take some time to reevaluate what I wish to say and when I’m ready, I will let you know.”

He says, “Fair enough,”

These damn  pills are working, apparently because I don’t think I used one curse word. Now y’all know that IS NOT ME! At least it isn’t the crazy me. Lol

Anyway, that’s what happened today.

Otherwise, today was a great day. No one got on my nerves and I don’t think I raised my voice once.

Hookah virgin

I’m sitting in a hookah lounge of sorts having a french coffee…Bailey’s and Grand Marnier.

I have started writing. A book? I have no idea. We shall see what comes of it.

So to help with my thoughts, I decided to go back over my blog posts from two years ago and just read through them.

Some gave me a really good chuckle, while others have left me scratching my head…

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF THAT GET UP AND GO?!?!

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME LEAVING?!?!

NEVER LOOKING BACK?!?!

As I read through those posts, nothing much has changed besides me actually graduating, having a job, and no longer living with him. But all of the other “issues” are pretty much still there.

I have been thinking lately about how tired I am of having the same argument/talk about the same shit from two years ago. We haven’t actually talked much at all in the last three weeks or so because I feel a need to just detach from everything and be with my thoughts, and my decisions.

There are things I want to say, but I’ve already said them a million times. Maybe the million and 1 time he will get it?

I doubt it.

So again, I’m here with my coffee, computer and blog.

I don’t feel stressed at all. Actually, I feel kinda good today. I’ve never done the Hookah thing, so that’s why I’m drinking coffee. Almost everyone else in here is doing it though.

I wonder what it’s like. Oh well. I guess I’m still a Hookah virgin.

Deleted post

Apparently, I’m too picky.

I typed out an entire post about deal breakers in a relationship, including a survey, and then I deleted it. Maybe this stuff is working. I wasn’t even banging on the keys the way I usually do when I’m annoyed about something.

Yeah…exactly like Kermit! Lol

BTW….I bought this today. Anyone have any experience with it?

Am I Hungry or Hangry? Day 4

If you look at my elementary school pictures, you will notice from third grade to fourth grade I put on weight. I remember my mother freaking out and taking me to the doctor to try to figure out why I was “fat” all of a sudden.

Then she put me in dancing school. I stayed at that until 8th grade. When I look at pictures of myself from that time, I wasn’t fat, I also wasn’t skinny. But I remember feeling fat and not pretty.

After I became an adult I went back in my memories to try to figure out the how and why behind my weight gain and ongoing struggle.

My father.

He worked constantly until his accident when I was in 3rd grade. Then he was there…ALL THE TIME! IN THE WAY! TRYING TO ENFORCE RULES! He failed to realize that my Mother was in charge of ME! NOT HIM!

So maybe I began eating more? I honestly don’t remember, I just knew that I was suddenly wearing “chubby” clothes.

Anyway, I’ve often labeled myself an “emotional eater.” But why? How do I stop?

I am constantly aware of what I eat, and I also make excuses for eating the wrong things. [Which is why I’m at the gym at least 4 days a week.]

Why was I emotionally unsatisfied then?

Why am I emotionally unsatisfied now?

What will satisfy me emotionally?

One last thing…CARBS ARE THE DEVIL.

Emotional Imbalance…Day 3

Today Deepak talked about emotional imbalance and how I need to just deal with my emotions and move on to living.

Easier said…

I thought I was doing that, but the more I think about it, I’m not.

I find myself not being very happy.

I am constantly thinking about the “things” that happen throughout my day.

Disrespect.

Feeling unappreciated.

Feeling unheard.

Feelings of failure.

Feelings of not being good enough despite my accomplishments. <—-[This is another post and visit to the therapist on its own.]

Emotions that stem from work are difficult to deal with because I can’t curse out kids or colleagues, but that shit would be so sweet and I’d probably be able to let go of those emotions if I were given the chance.

Emotions that stem from other relationships are difficult because I say what I mean, mean what I say and…nothing. Nothing changes. So I’m left with being even more angry.

I think being here helps to some degree. But overall, I find myself searching for the old me. Searching for that “thing” that will allow me to not feel all of the above.

Endless Renewal…Day 2

I shed a single tear today.

If you knew me at all, you would know that me and tears have a love/hate relationship.

I love that I’m able to express my emotions.

I hate that, no matter the emotion, tears are usually involved.

I love that I am self aware enough to know when I need to cry.

I hate that I don’t always have control over when they come. I’ve tried blinking wildly, changing the subject, looking up awkwardly, squinting my eyes, taking deep breaths, swallowing, and even laughing hysterically to act as if I’m literally…DYING LAUGHING!

None of that has worked.

Back to the subject…

As I listened to Deepak he mentioned how effortlessly things happen in nature. And like nature, children move through life in a similar fashion until an experience whether physical, emotional, spiritual or mental, begins to weigh down on them.

My first thought was ‘When was the first time I felt as if something heavy was weighing down on me?’

3rd grade? 4th grade? 6th grade?

Although it kinda began in 3rd grade with my father having an accident on his job that left him disabled, therefore unable to work, I think the full weight of that day arrived in 6th grade when he began kissing me down my neck one day.

Then my thoughts went to my students who I know have seen their share of suffering. And then that damn tear rolled down my cheek.

They don’t deserve the lives they live.

I am not in 6th grade. I am here. In this moment. And I’m not who I used to be.

I am living in the present. And in doing that, I am endlessly renewed.