Summer ’18

My goal this summer is to live.

Live like this will be my last summer on the planet.

Well, I actually am NOT going to live like that because if I did, I’d cash in my 403b and just visit the countries I’ve always wanted. I don’t have the cash sitting around for that, not SUMMER ’18.

However, I plan to do whatever I want, within reason and budget! LoL

I just sent a message to a plastic surgeon. WHY?!?!

Because I can! And because I’ve been wondering about something and that something just might be worth the money it would take to “fix it” so…WHY THE HELL NOT!

I’m going to attend all of the Yelp events this summer. I’m usually too tired from work to attend since they are usually in the middle of the week, BUT NOT THIS SUMMER!

I’m going to the gym as often as I damn well please! Gotta workout so I can attend Yelp events!

I’m going back to DC to just hang out.

Of course I’m going home to New Jersey, that goes without saying. Gotta check on Mother.

And I am really going to try to get on a plane to just about anywhere. I honestly don’t care where, just any place other than here, or New Jersey, or New York.

And I’m going to read books. I’ve already started one. And I need to figure out what the next one will be so it’s ready. My goal is to read 5 this summer,…I think I’m already behind.

I want to laugh as hard as ever. I don’t want to worry or stress about anything or anyone.

I want to talk to God and the Universe and hear what they have to say in return.

I want to drink wine. I want to drink wine until I’m tipsy. Not fall down drunk, but giggling just a little too much in the middle of the day at the most random things.

I may even ride a horse. I’ve always wanted to but never have.

Yep, this is what I’m going to do, and maybe more…all SUMMER ’18

Am I Hungry or Hangry? Day 4

If you look at my elementary school pictures, you will notice from third grade to fourth grade I put on weight. I remember my mother freaking out and taking me to the doctor to try to figure out why I was “fat” all of a sudden.

Then she put me in dancing school. I stayed at that until 8th grade. When I look at pictures of myself from that time, I wasn’t fat, I also wasn’t skinny. But I remember feeling fat and not pretty.

After I became an adult I went back in my memories to try to figure out the how and why behind my weight gain and ongoing struggle.

My father.

He worked constantly until his accident when I was in 3rd grade. Then he was there…ALL THE TIME! IN THE WAY! TRYING TO ENFORCE RULES! He failed to realize that my Mother was in charge of ME! NOT HIM!

So maybe I began eating more? I honestly don’t remember, I just knew that I was suddenly wearing “chubby” clothes.

Anyway, I’ve often labeled myself an “emotional eater.” But why? How do I stop?

I am constantly aware of what I eat, and I also make excuses for eating the wrong things. [Which is why I’m at the gym at least 4 days a week.]

Why was I emotionally unsatisfied then?

Why am I emotionally unsatisfied now?

What will satisfy me emotionally?

One last thing…CARBS ARE THE DEVIL.

Accident…I think NOT!

Set my alarm for 6:30 this morning…for what, you ask?

National Pancake Day!

Yup, my son requested we go this morning before he left for school and I was so very fine with that. My SO was also scheduled to leave out this morning so it was a great way to begin the day together.

After I inhaled the last bite of pancake, I immediately felt guilty and vowed to go to the gym twice today. I’ve already banged out one workout, the other will be later around 6.

Now I need to get to work on this paper. And it also happens to be…

International Women’s Day!

It doesn’t get butter than this

This will be quick…

I love watching cooking shows and I often take note of flavors they choose to put together that I NEVER thought would work but, according to the judges/professional chefs, they are amazing together.

So imagine my excitement when I saw the Smoked Butterscotch latte they are offering at Starbucks right now. Yes!

I want you to go back in your mind right now…many of us have had different brands of butterscotch candy but I think Brach’s tops them all. Mmmmm, the smooth buttery flavor of that butterscotch candy is heavenly!

Riddle me this…WHY IN SAM HELL WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO SMOKE IT?!?!? Butterscotch is PERFECTION the way it is!

So yeah…that’s my review of the Smoke Butterscotch flavored latte.

You’re welcome!

Don’t rush me!

We talked yesterday. It was mandatory. The night before we had a full text conversation, he in one room of the house and I in another.

Within that conversation he attempted to psychoanalyze me…which I hated! Seriously, I am very self-aware. I constantly psychoanalyze myself and he knows this, but as usual, he had to give his 2 cents…which amounts to the value of a pile of poop on the concrete to me.

In the end, I was just annoyed and kept reading the text exchange to be prepared for my full rebuttal in the morning. Humph!

The moment it was just us, I said we must talk. And I just let it all out. How I’ve been in a depressed state for, at the very least, the last three weeks, and how certain things that he does or doesn’t do pisses me the hell off, AND how everything honestly isn’t about him.

Lately, I’m pissed about almost everything. Pissed that I have to rewrite chapter 2 of my paper, pissed about not feeling like writing it, pissed about crumbs on the counter, pissed when he breathes too loudly, pissed…well, you get it.

I also told him that when I express that I’m depressed, and feel as if too much changed all at once, and I feel as if I have no control of my emotions, the last thing I want to hear from him is…well everyone has problems, everyone experienced change. WTF?!?!

In the end, I felt better about everything. I felt lighter. I think he felt it too. So he immediately wants to start coming up behind me to touch me and act as if everything is back to normal.

IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!

So yeah…that’s what happened.

 

If only for 1 night

We went out last night.

For about 1.5 hours, I was me again. There was wine, lots of it, incredible food, and laughter.

Maybe it wasn’t me.

Sincerely,

Wine